He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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