My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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