So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
