I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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