My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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