Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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