I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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