My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
