remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
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I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm like, not good at living.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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