she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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