How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
