Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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