Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
