my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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