well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
