we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
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he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
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I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.