Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."