Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
