Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
