I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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