I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
