i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
