You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
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i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.