she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
