I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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