I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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