Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You're like the curious george of whores
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
