So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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