JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
