4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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