Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
