As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
