dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
