Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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