sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
