i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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