So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
