I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
