thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
