I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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