Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
