i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
