I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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