things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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