I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize