He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
