Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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