I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
