4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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