google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
