Your tits are I can't wait for
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
