im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
