I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
