Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
