True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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