i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
